As a little boy I carried something in the pit of my stomach that was difficult to articulate. It haunted me at the oddest times, and depressed me at very calm moments. It was the mask that I wore that other people could see, but I was unaware of. The mask I refer to is called GUILT...
I had no idea the trend that plagued my childhood, and most of my adult life, was a five letter word that marked my true self. However, when I consider my childhood, I now realize the seed of GUILT was sown into me as a little boy through abuse……Many people don’t know this, but I suffered psychological, emotional, sexual, and verbal abuse as early as three years old, and it continued in one form or the other through my childhood and most of my adult life. What I also have discovered a great deal of minority males have been victims of abuse (Black /Hispanic) and no one talks about the huge pink elephant in the middle of the room…!
Yet for me, the most staggering phenomenon that has occurred was the psychological abuse by the hands of the abusers and authority figures…
For it is an insidious evil to the emotional and mental health of any human being, when the abuser plays the victim. It is a manipulative act that is worst than a witches brew, and more cunning than that of a seductive adulteress.
Without focusing on past weaknesses, sins, and failures, or getting into the intricate details of all that has occurred on this healing journey, I would like to offer hope to those that feel like there is no hope.
In this fallen world many unjust things can happen to us. Unfortunately, in most cases we are told to assume responsibility in order that you may heal. This type of theology is good, but it only goes to the surface of a weary soul. Many years ago, there was a prophet by the name of Isaiah that prophesied that a savior would come. Isaiah said that he would be despised and rejected of men, a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. He also said, this man would carry our pain, disfigurement, guilt and shame. The man that Isaiah spoke of was Jesus….
You know, over the years I have tried to heal the pain of guilt and rejection any many people, places and things. Although raised in the church, many church atmospheres I attended often made me feel Guiltier; for I was not wicked but wounded… I was a wounded soul that needed special spiritual caretakers to pour in Love so I could see clearly. When the healing journey began, I did not fall out, roll, or shake. I began to open up my closed heart, and I allow Jesus to go into the crevices of my wounded spirit and Love me as his son. The transformation has been so remarkable, so much so that I have become a man, putting away childish things. Because of receiving this Love, I now walk in covenant with God, my wife and family, and church family.
Until the next time, may the Lord Bless you is my prayer